The Dark Fae

thedarkfae @ 2008-09-29T02:10:00

2008-09-29T01:19:10Z

I cannot believe the arrogance of some people. The sheer nerve they can show. Fair enough, yes I did leave my laptop on by mistake and I appologize.

However, that is no way shape or form an invitation for anyone, even you Matthew to give my laptop a password that I don't know, and which the hint is "What should you do with a PC or laptop when you are going to leave it for a long time. Say overnight or while at University."

The fact that you didn't even tell me you had done this when I came into the flat, just makes me wonder what else you would do if I just so happened to do something that you didn't think right. How far would you really go?

I thought I knew, I thought peoples possessions were just that, a persons possessions, thier own, for them to do with as they please. That fact you decided to take it upon yourself to come into my room while I wasn't at the flat. Change a vital piece of security on my laptop. And best of all, never even told me why! Even when you were talking to me at Gamers! Honestly, I can't even form the words to express how much trust you just broke.

Good luck earning it back.

thedarkfae @ 2008-08-09T19:40:00

2008-08-09T18:41:54Z

My computer is broken.

I want it fixed.

However, poking prodding and outright dismantling and reassembling have not yielded the desired results so I am asking any of my friends if they have the technical expertise (or lack there-of but a desire to poke around the innards of a computer anyway) I invite you to give me advice.

Symptom: On/Off Power switch on the front of the computer fails to turn on the computer. Zilch, zip, nada, no fan no nothing.

Power Cable is not broken. Have tested it on other computers and it works.
Power Supply seems to be working, though not sure how to test that.
Have gotten rid of about 90% of the dust that was on the inside of the computer but that didn't help.

Frankly i'm at my wits end. So any kind of advice would be appreciated.

thedarkfae @ 2008-06-17T21:08:00

2008-06-17T20:13:15Z

Moot 1: Viper on Moot (Unicorns FTW!)

Didn't do as much Refing and Monstering as I expected, though I managed to get through all of my power card before midday on both Saturday and Sunday. This did mean I had to refuse Morain the use of my powers on one or two occasions on said days, sorry about that ^^;

I'm finally getting into Kyte more and more, and have my plans laid for the next year as to where I want to go with him. I have been cunning and sneaky this year, but I paid through the nose for it. I have will have 54 OSP's by the end of Moot 2, and by the end of The Gathering, I will have (hopefully) 4 OS's.

I will now sit back and relax, all the while sipping Port and cradaling a fluffy white cat...

Mwuhahahahaha!

*ahem*

Yeah...

~Anthony

Originally Posted as a Comment on Kobalds LJ

2008-06-10T20:12:16Z

Where to start. Ok, so you say that the money reserved for Krysh and Kieran was used to pay other members of Gamers. Ok. Who did you actually pay with the money? And why wasn't it taken from the money that we had taken out in £5's and £1's?

As for when they would be at gamers, did they actually set a time? Did you even know why they were not at gamers until then? As for 'unwilling to do this' in referance to coming into uni to access the account, I never said I wasn't!

And on teh note of not being willing to pay, ok sure, I didn't offer to pay it right there and then. When you then told me that you were flat broke in the Union after gamers, I offered to pay you there and then, and you refused! "Its to late the cheque is already in my name" Was your reason I believe.

As for beign the one with the most money? Im £1200 into my overdraft! I understand that Steve is in debt, I don't know how much or to who. As for you I didn't understand your situation until you explained rather pointedly in the Union, as which point I refer to my previous paragraph.

You. Never. Asked. Me. Once. To. Step. Down. At none of the exec meetings did you say that I needed to start 'Doing my job', you made it perfectly clear that you had the T-Shirts handled. As I rememebr you took over the job from Krysh, didn't you?

Also, why, when the money was set aside for Krysh and Kieran *just* as we set aside the money for the reimbursement, did you choose to dish out the money set aside for Krysh and Kieran, but later refused to give them the money they were owed from the money we had 'set aside' for the reimbersement?

And on the final note, 'you instead immediately went and had anthony try to speak to me in private'. I will tell you in no uncertain terms that I did what I did because of what *I* thought of the situation. Krysh never once asked me to take you aside, I decided to do that MYSELF. You seem to have this assumtion that I do whatever Krysh and Kieran tell me, I will tell you now that I have done thing that they have asked, yes, but never when it conceres my position as Treasuer of Gamers.

As fo whatever Kieran said, I don't think that either of us should comment as neither of us was there at the time. And I never trust gossip. Ever.

Right... depressed rant time...

2008-03-26T02:43:49Z

Oh boy, didn't think i'd be writing on here again, at least not for a while. But events conspire against me and here I am. Bleh. Heh.. life seemed so nice not so long ago.. I was happy, genuinly, for once, my self-confidence had me flying as high as a kyte. 'Living the geek's dream' hehe.. oh if only.. if only..

Work is as shitty as can be expected, nothing against the people who work there, who are (for the most part) brillient people to work and banter with. But its just so tiring, day after day, hour after hour. I (would) have the nationals to look forward to this weekend, had I not been scheduled to work on a Friday night close. Thats really gone and ruined the weekend for me. Because, I cannot find anyone to cover the shift meaning I either miss the nationals, or I miss the shift, meaning shit happens for the closing shift.

I also now suspect that I have been scheduled for a monday shift. But that won't go up until Saturday. Evening.

So, two shifts missed, or no nationals... why do i not think of these things in advance. I'm always like 'Im gonna be prepared this time' and it never happens. But im dancing around the other subject that has me by a pair of size nine steelies.

Fuck. The geeks dream. I don't want it anymore. I don't want it.. not anymore. It's too painful. Maybe if i was stonger. A better person maybe. Anything.. just not what I am now.

I hate this false grin I wear. But it keeps me sane, and it keeps people from worring about me. I go home on the 2nd, and for the first time in 6 months I will see my family for more than 24 hours. And I will be able to leave everything in Edinburgh and just.. be myself once more... whatever that is..

I want to cry, but I won't let myself. I've only cried twice since I came to edinburgh. I don't intend to let myself a third. I just want to scream, but I don't want anyone to hear. I just want to be loved... no.. thats the wrong word now.. I just want to have someone who I can share myself with and they can share themselves with me.

Lifes just one big complicated mess now...

And no, i don't mean to offend anyone with this psot and its contents. Sorry...

thedarkfae @ 2008-02-21T02:15:00

2008-02-21T02:33:50Z

Bleh...

Well... I supose thats one way to start a LJ post... not the most positive, but hey, not feeling in a very positive mood right now. I want to lash out at some people, shout at others and just ignore what many people have said.

But I won't. I can't.

But I want to, I want to show people that what they say has an effect on me, that they can hurt me with just a single word, or a sentance, or even a paragraph. And I want to show that what they have said has hurt me.

I wish I could change myself, to let the feelings out... but i've repressed showing them all this time that I can barely laugh at something many people are splitting thier sides over.

I have so many friends now, more than i've had for most of my life... sure I've not had anyone dislike me, but no-one has ever liked me either, at least not before 4 years ago...
But I still feel like the outsider. Looking in through the window, afraid of being caught outside.

I want to know that someone, somewhere is missing me as much as I miss them...

But no-one wants to be that close... everyone wants to be my friend, nothing more...

You all broke me in some fashion, but pieces can be put back together, but never as good as, or the same as before... cracks in the shell... weakpoints...

I just wish I could find her. And that it would all be ok.

thedarkfae @ 2007-12-25T11:08:00

2007-12-25T11:08:39Z

Wooohooo! Merry Christmas one and all! And to all a good meal!

Nabbed from kobalds LJ

2007-06-08T23:56:16Z

Take you music, shuffle, put on random, and note down the songs in order next to the follwing and enjoy the soundtrack to your own personal film ^^

Opening credit: Video Killed The Radio Star - Buggles
Waking up: Born to Rule - Hammerfall
Average day: The Launch - DJ Jean
Day dreaming: Going Under - Evanescence
First date: Super Massive Black Hole - Muse
Falling in love: Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life - Monty Python
Fight scene: Bring Me To Life - Evanescence
Breaking up: Tribute - Tenacious D
Getting back together: Seven Nation Army - The White Stripes
Life's okay: Through The Fire And Flames - DragonForce
Mental breakdown: Teenage Dirtbag - Wheatus
Driving: Perfect Gentleman - Helloween
Flashback: American Idiot - Green Day
Getting ready to go out: In The Shadows - The Rasmus
Partying: Chase The Sun - Planet Funk
Happy dance: Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana
Regretting: Come with me - Special D
Long night alone: A Kind Of Magic - Queen
Death scene: Thriller - Michael Jackson
End credits: I Predict A Riot - Kaiser Chiefs

~Anthony, The Boy Who Triggered The Zombie Appocalypse.

LARP and all that...

2007-05-30T23:30:23Z

Haven't updated in a while, heh.. quite typical really...

Well last weekend was the Great Erdrejan (bleh.. spelling on that has to be wrong) Fyre. Managed not to get killed this time, though I was dropped to the ground several times (thank yous go to the elemental creatures of fire). The weather though was absolutely horrid. Wind + Rain + Cold == Unhappy LARPers. Im looking forward to the Moots though, will most definatly be monstering most of the time at Moot 1, and possibly at Moot 2, except when im needed as a Healer.

It wasn't all bad, though to be honest, it wasn't all good either. Sometimes it just feels like although people know im there, they aren't really aware im there. Im just on the outside looking in. Sure I interacted with people, but it was always me that started the conversation, no one tried to talk to ~me~, that was slightly depressing.. but it should stop the more events I go to.. I hope...

On top of that, I managed to get mildly depressed about the fact I seem to be invisible to women. Either that or im missing something thats glaringly obvious. This isn't just restricted to LARP though... *sigh* I don't see why I am making such a big deal of it, but then again, i don't know many things about why I feel how I do anyway.

I just like I cannot be bothered anymore, of course I keep on going and put on that happy smile for when im outside, but whenever I sit down to think, I just sit there thinking, what I think about, I have no idea, I just know that im thinking, its like my subconcious is just going ape-crazy over some small details.

I really don't know what im thinking at times... my mind is just a blank, yet I can't stop it from thinking...

"All around the rain is falling...
The sun has set, there shall be no dawning...
This stubborn child will not weep...
Though through the night, I shiver to sleep...
Yet I wait for a warm embrace...
Hope beyond hope, in this cold place...
But as I listen there is no-one there...
My hope falls flat, but nobody cares..."

The Golden Compass

2007-04-26T23:40:57Z

Wow.. I wondered when they would make a movie based on the 'His Dark Materials' Trilogy... here it is... *add to the list of movies he must see*

~Anthony

The third term.

2007-04-14T20:59:50Z

Ahh...so here it is at last... the thrid term. Im not really sure whats gonna happen this term, both in and out of lectures...

The Easter holiday is over and seeing family was fun.. though a little boring. Not living withing 5 miles of anything even remotely sociable is a little odd, especially with the lifestyle i've got used to at Uni. My Dad helped me unpack the car, but after that he went off to his travel lodge. Leaving me to organise my room and find food.

You're not here yet, so I've had to put up with the fellowship. They're not that bad, its just when they're all together in a space less than a food court that things get noisy.

You won't read this untill tommorow probably so i'm at least a little safe in writing this. I've missed your refreshing view, fuck it, i've just missed you full stop. But hey ^^ can't have everything right? ;P

You're happy, thats what matters most. You've found a person that will help you when you fall. Though if you ever need another to help you, all you need to do is ask.

On another subject, I can already feel the difference that being at Uni brings about in me. I always feel more relaxed at home.. They come out more often to play and have fun. But already they've packed up and moved away again and the usuall tenants have returned.

Tommorow should help, hopefully. If nothing else I get to catch up with you. And before you say anything. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. I have been for the past age and a half, heh...

So here we are at last... the third term. I wonder how its all going to fuck up this time around...

~Anthony

Ah... those were the days...

2007-04-04T13:35:51Z

Your Inner Blood Type is AB!

Your personality is hard to define - you're very unconventional.
And even if your personality could be defined, it would be completely different next week!
Outgoing and shy, sensitive and thoughtless, you tend to have a very split personality.
This makes you unpredictable. You can be a total angel - and a total devil.

You are most compatible with: everyone!

Famous Type AB's: Jackie Chan and Marilyn Monroe

What's Your Inner Blood Type?

You Keep Things Chill

For you, the whole adrenaline thing is totally over rated. You'll take safety over an emergency room trip.
This doesn't mean you don't break out of your comfort zone. You just don't stray too far from it.

Are You a Thrill Seeker?

You Are 32% Shy

You are slightly shy, but overall, your reactions to social situations are normal.
You dread difficult social situations, but you still handle them with grace.

How Shy Are You?

thedarkfae @ 2007-03-24T13:36:00

2007-03-24T13:37:25Z

Quiz's.... Why do I do them...

Bleh...

2007-03-24T12:43:39Z

How do you deal with the past?

Heh, I wish I knew the answer to that question. It would make things a hell of a lot easier... As it is, Those that were there, decide to visit again... Sometimes thats a good thing, sometimes a bad thing. Depends on the past thats been talked about..

How do you deal with revelations that affect the past?

Heh, even worse... Those that were there come back and take up camp in the back garden... Everything else stays the same, Im just keenly aware of whats gone before and sometime that hurts...

I just need time I guess. They'll brake camp eventually, who knows what they'll get up to before they do though... Making a mess of the house... trashing the garden... eating all your food...

Heh... just have to dea with it... It'll go away eventually... It's just that right now? It hurts like hell...

~Anthony

Hmmm.. Another year gone...

2007-03-23T23:04:57Z

Well, I guess I should write something today...

Happy Birthday to me I guess...

Thanks to everyone whose said Happy Birthday to me :) Its much appreciated.
Happy Birthday to anyone who happens to share thier special day with me,

And A merry un-birthday to everyone whose birthday it isn't :)

~Anthony

Watch Out! Emotions on the loose!

2007-03-16T00:18:58Z

Blergh...

"Anger, at myself for what I feel...
Hatred, of a friend who I shouldn't Hate at all...
Love, for what I can never have...
Happiness, for a friend who has found it...
Sadness, as I withdraw from the world around..."

I met a new friend today... It hangs out with some of my other friends and It shares some of thier interests too... It just so happens to call itself Lonelyness... We have spent most of today getting to know each other, while at the same time I walked around with friends shopping...

"Lonelyness... As I can never tell her..."

~Anthony

You know that...

2007-03-14T00:12:30Z

You know that your nosey when you try to read someone else's MSN conversations...

*sigh* Exams are finally here. Took them long enough... I've been dreading them ever since term started. The niggling worry that I'll fu*k up and get myself kicked out of University. Hopefully though thats all it will stay.. a worry...

Emotions are sorta in-check. The last month has been pretty hard on them, i'm suprised I haven't just gone into a corner and cried at some points.. I really wanted to at some point. I'm just glad i've managed to hide most of it from people. I don't want what I want to interfere with good things.

Sadness and Its friends are the most visable at the moment. I want them to go away but they always find some reason to come back. Maybe I don't want them to go, maybe i'm trying to tell myself something.. I dunno.. I just hate It.

Of course Happyness has made its appearence, it just that It doesn't have any reason to dominate over Sadness.. and so It dominates instead... I know why It dominates, but I can't change that. I just have to deal with it. Maybe I should cry more.. that might help me deal with It.

I wonder how soundproof the walls are here...

~Anthony

Hmm...

2007-03-11T23:00:34Z

Richard and Barbara are Proud to Announce the Birth of their Child, Anthony, on March 23, 1988.



Unfortunately, Anthony is the anti-christ.

Richard and Barbara are thanking Satan.

What Did Your Birth Announcement Say? at QuizGalaxy.com

Discuss

~Anthony

Bleeh...

2007-03-11T00:20:51Z

Oh so tired tonight. Got over yesterday, thankfully. Nothing drastic today, started drinking again. No truely notable emotions, thank you . Hmm maybe not. I wonder if humor is an emotion, or just a feeling.

Started watching Butterfly Effect. An interesting film. On par with Donnie Darko on the interest-o-meter. Time travel has always being alluring for me. I could go back and change so many things. But then I would have to ask myself what would I be now if I did change them.

Bah, enough on that subject. Exam week just around the corner. Easter Holidays after that. Im not sure what to make of them. I'm going back to see my family after another three months of University. Im gonna miss people from up here. But it will be nice to see family again.

Another month to complete Kingdom Hearts. And probably start Kingdom Hearts 2...

And my birthday, loaming ever closer. 12 days. Less than a fortnight until i'll have spent another year here on this planet. Bleh...

Andrew was here again. She asked, and I was fine with it. But when im with them, I always feel as if i'm in the way. I eventually make my excuse and leave them to thier enjoyments. He makes her happy. That is all that matters, truly.

...

...

Not that I wouldn't mind being in his place, hehe. Got You there didn't I? Don't worry though, you know i'm ok with it. Trust me.

~Anthony.

Meet Me.

2007-03-10T03:19:20Z

Once again, here we are. Only this time im drunk. Not that thats a bad thing, ehehe.

Today was interesting in a number of ways. Firstly, I managed to get drunk before tea. Secondly, I feel I almost ruined something oh so dear to me. Thirdly, I felt Happy.

Now, you may or may not think much of the third one, but its quite important to me. Happyness eludes me usually. I suppress my emotions for the most part, but Happyness is one I rarely suppress because I so rarely feel it.

To be honest though I had to go through many emotions before I got to the happyness. Sadness, Anger, Dispair, Fear, Paranoia, Sadness again, and then Happyness.

Tonight was Jam Friday, a day for getting well and truely smashed. And we had laid plans to such an effect. There was vodka and mixers applenty come 3pm and it proceeded well from there. However come after tea, Andrew arrived. Now I don't have anything against Andrew or anything, at least not anymore, but I somehow got to thinking that he was becoming just as closer friend as I was. No doubt alcohol was involved in that train of thought. Thus began the Sadness. I coped with it, suppressing it, sometimes haveing to deal with it head on.

However when it came time to head over to Jam, I left the room to allow people to get ready, and I went into the lounge. There was no-one else there, as I guess is usuall on a Friday. When Andrew didn't appear as well, my Sadness deepened. I hate being Sad. And due to that, the Sadness changed to Anger. Anger at Andrew. Anger at myself. Anger.

I decided I needed to walk. So walk I did. I texted and replied to the responses. I walked once all the way around campus. During my walk I let my Anger drain away. Dispair took its place for a while. But walking all alone in some of the dark parts of the campus made me feel Fear and Paranoia, as I was sure something would jump out at me from the Shadows. I eventually ended back at the Union. I texted. They weren't there. Here comes Sadness again.

Eventually they arrived. I met up with them and we talked. Things were sorted out, sorta. The night progressed and we ended up talking again. But what was said supprised me. They had said not to jerk me about. Three of them had said that. And there she was, talking to me about it, saying she worried. She Worried. That one thing she said, turned me around and slapped me full pelt on the face. Here I was being Selfish, and she comes up to me and tell me shes Worried. I wasn't sure if I was gonna tear up or what. I placate her but after that it took me a little while to calm down.

Then I felt it. Happyness. And I truly don't know why. I should have felt Shitty! I had been so selfish. Making her Worry about me. No. Never again. Not if I can help it.

Not if I can help it.

~Anthony

Third time lucky

2007-03-09T11:22:13Z

I feel drained this morning. I can't have slept well last night. I went to sleep at 2am and woke up at 11am. Im pretty sure that is a good sleep length, yet I still feel tired. Maybe not physically, but emotionally...

Anyway, I will put on that usuall brave face. My emotions ignored to a greater degree than normal. I don't want to ruin anything.

No matter what you say, i'll be there. No matter what you write, i'll be there. No matter what anyone else, or even you, think of you, I WILL be there. In whatever capacity you want me. I promise you that.

Everyone deserves happyness, Im glad you have found some.

~Anthony

And then there were two...

2007-03-09T01:17:12Z

Here we are again.

This time though, I have a reason for writing. I need to get this out of my system. I need to get it out now. And I don't know how else to do it other than writing it.

Im angry. Oh so very angry. I don't know why. I don't know how. But Its there and Its eating away inside of me. I want to get rid of it. I want to ignore it and make it go away, just as I do with everything else. But I aslo don't want to. I want to keep this. I want it.

God. This is why I hate them. Emotions. They can wrap me around thier fingers. Love, Hate, Anger, Happyness. All of them, I don't want them. They just make the world so complicated.

And here It is. Anger. And Its friend as well. Love. So fine is the line between the two. All it takes is a small nudge and "Whoops!" There I go. One extreme or the other. But when Im balanced like this and I get nuged both ways. It all goes to shit.

I read it. And It exploded. I don't know why. It just did. Im hyperventalating now, pins and neadles all over my body. I just want to get rid of It. But it won't leave. Not unless I change it. I can already feel it changing. The Anger fades, replaced by Sadness, Hopelessness. The adrenaline from Anger failing me, leaving me on a low.

I haven't felt like this in so long. I hate it when this happens. I hate it so much.

The Anger is gone now. Released into creative energy used to write this. I should be glad no one saw me like this. It isn't me. Not the me that everyone sees anyway. No-one knows. No-one knows how hard I try and keep my emotions in check. Every day, another test. I don't want people to know me. But I still want to be known. My emotions try to rule me. I will NOT let them.

~Anthony

The First Experiment

2007-03-07T02:30:44Z

Well... Here I am, sitting at my laptop, writing my first LiveJournal post. My First Experiment. This journal is all about my emotions, I suppose. I rarly let them out to play and when I do, its usually because of Alcohol. Usually not the best situations to let you emotions get out of check, especially if you keep them in check so constantly.

I just looked at the Mood options for this post, and I was amused to see so many options, none of them exactly fitting what I feel usually. So I settled with the closest one, Indescribable. It fits what my mood is quite closely, but never exactly, some emotion or another is usually in dominence, only by a little, but they colour my mood anyway.

So where to start... Well frankly im not sure. I've been winging it so far, so maybe I should just continue in this fashion until I feel i've writen enough. But thats not the sort of writing I like to do, when I write there needs to be a purpose. I'm not always aware of that purpose and the urge just forces me to write something, anything. But when I sit down and focus that urge, moulding it into something sleek and shaped, it almost always drags me down as I get bogged down in details.

So why am I writing this, what urge moved me to do this. I dunno really. Its just there, and here I am. And there it goes.. I can feel the urge to write slipping as I continue to drive deeper into why I'm writing. Maybe I should just let it go and continue to just write, thats what it wants me to do it seems...

I've always enjoyed writing, whether it was for GCSE English, or just some random fan-fiction I wrote, or even just a post to a live journel. I just let the words flow, and flow they do. Usually. I guess I should just accept it, i'm creative, and writing, in any form is a creative release for me.

I think I should write more often, maybe on a specific subject, maybe just on random things, like this post. I think I started out with the intention to talk about emotions.. How did I get to where I am now? The complexity of the human trail of thought is almost enjoyable to look at. Following your train of thought from the start of a conversation to the finish, looking at the links that your brain made between different subjects and then examining those links to see why you made them.

*Autosaved draft at 2:22:01 AM* It says in the corner. I've been typing for a good 20 solid minuites, and there goes the urge again.. my flow disrupted as I try to figure out where to go next, what I want to write next. Its odd to follow your own train of thought until the point at which it derails and crashes into the surrounding thoughts. You never know what your brains is going to say while you are picking up the pieces of the train and placing them back onto the track, one which is never the same as the one you were on before.

Im pretty sure i've managed to crash at least 5 different trains of thought already. It only happens when i'm writing though. My mind just seems to wonder around of its own free will, even when I try to get it to focus on one subject. The more I focus, the more distracted I get. Its annoying sometimes, just watching that train crash into that hillside of memories as you get distracted by something that reminds of something else which brings up memories of other things. All until you eventually can't remember what you were thinking about previously.

Bleh.. hand cramps now. Guess its time to stop writing. Maybe I will write again tommorow, or maybe it'll be next week. Hell, maybe i'll never write to here again. We will see though.

"Time will tell, time will tell..."

~Anthony